Everyone's an English Patient

So, on the way back to Mailand from Chiantishire (yes, I am going to slowly persuade everyone that Italy is not really an independent country by using only foreign names for its regions and cities, so as to induce, once and for all, the Germans to come take control and stop this madness). On my way back to Mailand, Lady V, Tot T and I discussed the Upcoming Event of 2009.

- Do you mean Lady V's book launch?
- Or President O's inauguration?
- The end of the war in A) the Middle East B) the Congo c) The fishcounter in Ham every Saturday night?

No. Nothing as trivial as that. We are talking of the PARTY of the YEAR: Everyone's an English Patient (registered trademark).

Just like last year's Much Ado About Nothing, cinema remains our main source of inspiration, including for understanding Tot F's thoughts (when there are some preceeding action, which is rather rare these days).

Unlike last year, however, there will be no strict dress or behavioural code. No more white linen and genteel attire. This time, imagination (like the gin) will run riot.

So here are some of Tot V and my suggestions to turn this into a memorable event (obviously Tot V won't remember a thing, poor old sausage...).

Settings

World War 2. Deserts. Caves. Torture Chambers. Monasteries. Frescoes. Deathbeds. Orchards. Barracks. The Royal Geographic Society. Aeroplanes. Canadians. Bonfires.

Sayings

Chaps only in the long bar. I am not missing you yet. Supra-sternal notch. A very plum plum. Lashings of apologies (natch). Old sausage. Romantic love, Platonic love, filial love. He didn't speak for nine hours. She's charming and has read everything. In ltaly, you get chickens but no eggs. For God's sake, man, pull yourself together.

Suggested reading

Herodotus. Maps. Ondaatje. Days of Grace. The National Geographic. Scrapbooks.

Games

Spin the bottle. Guess the Herodotus quote. Hop-scotch. Treasure hunt. Keep the candle burning. Unearth the people-filled car. Hide the sausage.

Music genre

North African tribal songs. 1930s jazz. Foxtrot. Tango. Electro banging rock. Britney and Edith.

Costumes will be compulsory, as usual, but each invitee will have the liberty to interpret all of the above and turn it into a smash fash. Naturally, best costumes will be rewarded with breathless flights over the Tuscan desert (Capalbio beach).

Here are some suggestions for some core attendees we expect will be coming.

Tot F: Katherine Clifton
Maude: The Old Sausage
PDF: Geoffrey Clifton
Filippo: Muller (a name for every finger)
Pam: Hana
Molly: Gioia (brief, but beautiful)
Heidi: Jan the Canadian hottie (who unfortunately likes lace pants too much)
Diana: Caravaggio
Jasmine: the beautiful Muslim nurse
Tot T: Madox
Le Duc: Bermann (Kamal's lover)
Annalisa: Kip
Michelle: Sergeant Hardy
Beth: Lady Hampton
Jon: D'Agostino
Tot V: Sexy belly dancer in Cairo bazaar, see Director's Cut.
Tot A: Count Laszlo de Almásy

I am aware I offended most of you here, despite Lady V's nagging in the corner, but if you can do better PROVE IT. There are no women in this film, and the community is awash with them. What can I say? Next year I guess we'll do Girl, Interrupted. Tot F to play Angelina, natch.

And if you're wondering who on earth you are, check the script.

See you on July 25th. I insist. Presents for Lady V, Molly and ME.