2010 has been a terrible year for blogging. This is ironic, because this year has been one of the most eventful of my life. One thing stands out above all: the inability to control my time, to live it as I always have, leisurely, calmly, at ease. I feel like I have constantly been in a rush, swamped with tasks to complete and goals to achieve. 3 big ones in particular: to conceive N., to open the hub and to move into our new home. I am glad to say all 3 have been accomplished. But all have their silver lining. Life, after all, is never quite as clean-cut as movies are.
First: N.'s conception. He - and the siblings that hopefully will follow - will have a whole blog dedicated to their strange and beautiful life. No, it won't be one of those tedious and saccarine lists of endless achievements by the new-born (HE SMILED! HE COUGHED! HE SHAT!!). It will be the first draft of a serious/ridiculous sit-com, starring us in this social experiment that promises to rock the world. You wait an see. Lady V is of course on the case, but I dare say I'll have a role to play beyond dutiful dad. The writer inside started stirring the moment Rolling Stone gave me a column to play with a month or so ago.
So I won't really go into too many details about the story of how N. came into being. But if I look back at the last year, I can't help thinking of what Lady V and I went through almost exactly a year from now. How incredibly painful and yet how important a moment in our life that loss has been. I dare say
fundamental in our journey. I would have never known how much I care about her and about what we are doing together if I hadn't touched with my heart the power of loss. And therefore I am grateful this year has given us life out of loss. Joy out of pain. And even though N. will see the sun for the first time in 2011, for me he is a child of 2010.
Second: the hub. Of the three, this one is perhaps the one with the darkest of linings. It started off both dark and rose-tinted, with a war erupting while 1 year of preparatory work was about to come to fruition with the launch of the first Italian centre for social innovation. I don't regret the war. I was one of those who started it because it was necessary, the catastrophic course taken by J. was going to destroy all the work I and many others had done. And while the war isn't completely over, and some rumblings can still be heard, the outcome is clear. The hub has become something much closer to what we wanted. But like in all good tragedies, I have understood that I can fight hard and long, but that fighting takes a heavy toll on me: I loose faith and amidst the success I can be left like an empty shell.
I have learned that in order to do what I want to do in life I have to find a way to avoid conflict, not to make it a central part of my existence. Because, just as I proved to myself how good I could be in my work (the launch of the hub in Milan called in over 1000 people, and 270 became members within 9 months of the launch), just as my leadership was paving the way for the accomplishments of those around me whom I had chosen, I found myself at the centre of conflict, questioned, accused, untrusted by these very people I had given my trust to. Is this the inevitable consequence of success? This year has made me think long and hard about the delicate balance between leadership and participation. My time in Milan has triggered a lot of doubts, with violent conflict erupting constantly around me despite the obvious sucess of it all. Irony and tragedy. I found myself drawn to F's totalitarian theories: command and control. Can I really reconcile this with my strife for a flatter, networked, democratic and emergent world?
I certainly find that this last year of life in Italy has drained me of all faith towards humans in any position of power, but has also left me in a doubtful position towards humans without any power at all. Neither really seem to understand what their responsibilities are. Both seem stalled in a fruitless battle, unable to move forward. This year was the last I spent working full time in Italy. My dealings will continue, but from afar. My vision becomes too blurred in that country. Too much decay. Too much infighting. Too much incompetence masked as experience. Too much blunt hypocricy. That country is not good for the soul and certainly not good for talented individuals who want to change the world. A world of old men fearful of the deluge that is rising around them. They will all drown, and personally I hope the floods take as many as possible down in the deep dark corners of the Oceans with them. What used to be a love-hate relationship with Italy has now become bored disgust. Funny that even a staunch supporter of the country - and of its decaying capital in particular - like Tot F should in the end take a graceful exit towards better pastures. Funny and timely. For both of us.
Third: the house. Well, of all three this has been the closest to a complete FIASCO. It all started quite well (doesn't it always?). Workers move in, a schedule is set and everyone reassures us that "these guys are pretty good, not like other builders!". And sure enough, when the first completion date arrives, so does the first completion date rescheduling. From June to July. Then again, from July to August. But by the time the third date-change arrives - from August to September - our bags are packed and the moving-in date set, so the move happens anyway, despite the house being in a complete state. Hence, 3 month of hell start, moving in-and-out of the house to try to accommodate builders' needs in the vain hope that they will finish in time, this time. September, October, November go by. Lady V is getting bigger, Nicolo' is moving around faster, yet the house remains unfinished. And while we hoped it would be done by Xmas 2010, it is now NYE and the house is still littered with unfinished jobs.
Our hearts are now consciuos of the fact that this house, in some way, will never be completed as we thought it would. But, without a proper bang, without a housewarming party, without the breaking of bottles onto its front doow, I can safely say it already feels like home. The dining table has already hosted many dinners. The library/projector room is full of wonderful books and arty filth, action flicks and trashy TV DVDs that have already started being screened onto the white wall. And - to me most importantly - I have a room to call my own again. After 2 years of sofa-beds and rented holes, of packing bags and loosing clothes, finally a place that will be my nest for years to come. I needed it. 2010 ends on a good note. Home is where your loved ones, yes. But also where you know you have a bed to call your own!
The last, but certainly not least, mention in this list of achievements (although it cannot be said to be entirely mine) is Tot T's transfer over to the Old Continent. I don't think I have managed to express to him how grateful I am for this, and how brave I think he is. Jumping into a completely new life, despite its familiarity, away from the comforts of home. Embracing an adventure with little certainties and a lot of question marks. Fun, yes, but also challenging, for him, for me, for all. And yet, so far, so good. This is an achievement. Not many relationships manage to get this far. I consider myself lucky since ours has and it still gives so much joy to us both.
Again, here too there is a silver lining. For one Tot brought over to the Old Continent, there is one lost to the New one. A splendid new life, close to Little J, and to glorious S in NYC. But still, I miss her. I wish I could just jump in a cab and go feel up her beautiful bosom for comfort. I wish we could just be silly together, watching an array of ridiculous movies, drinking G&T (me) and VodPom (her) into the night, talking nonesense until the wee hours, inventing the scripts that will make us rich and famous, discussing whether the Vatican should be razed to the ground (me) or declared a protected species (her).
Finally, this year's review would sound far too serious and would not be complete without some of this year's lesser (in comparison) achievements, rigorously in list-form, in true Tot fashion:
- No. of first-ever public DJ performances: 1
- No. of kick-ass porno parties held in order to show off abovementioned DJ skills: 1
- No. of costume-changes during abovementioned party: 3
- No. of flights taken (33, I counted them!)
- No. of litres of oil produced in Tuscany: 28
- No. of new friends that I can call such: 5 (DJ S - yes, can't say I really knew her before this year - Andrea, Nadia, Lord Leng and Efi)
- No. of days of bliss in Vermont: 7
- No. of days of near-bliss had it not been for the death-marches in Maine: 3
- No. of new dances experimented: 1 (line-dancing. awesome)
- No. of barwomen befriended in Brooklyn and convinced to come work in London: 1
- No. of new countries visited: 0 (unless we count Maine as a country, which I don't. very bad. not to be repeated in 2011)
- No. of fab weddings attended in sumptuous English estates: 1
- No. of old drugs aborted: 1 (cigarettes, 3.5 months without them and counting!)
- No. of G&Ts turned down in order to make sure soldiers were in tip-top form to produce a hearty N.: countless.
- No. of G&Ts downed following said conception: countless.
- No. of rippled abs achieved through sweaty gym sessions: 0.
- No. of hours spent in front of mirror worrying about said abs: enough to get a perfect six pack if they had been spent at the gym instead.
- No. of new dishes mastered: probably 2 (brasato di manzo, prawn stir-fry, can't way it's a huge achievement, but it's something...)
- No. of trees killed in order to celebrate a Christian festivity: 1
- No. of Bejeweled Blitz games played try to beat DJ S's score: over 400, and counting...
As for next year: lots of resolutions, of course. And judging by how 2010 went, this time most of them will be achieved! Rah.
