I don't want this to be a serious post, but I think it might be in the end. I am a little tipsy, in an unusually warm late-September night, and pondering about the future. And since the great majority of readers that stumble on this blog are my kin, I feel rather enticed to the idea of a good banging session. Plus, I need to get it out of the system, and the Internet is just perfect for a bit of global ranting.
Let me beging by saying: I was screwed. Not in the fun, lubed-up manner that we have all become accustomed to and that we all (some secretly some less) love. Nay. I have been screwed in the professional manner that is unpleasant, grating, humiliating and rather annoying, especially when the artful perpetrator was allowed to screw me not once but twice. The perpetrator is of course JR, the illustrious founder of the H.
I had maneuvered my position quite skillfully, or so I believed. I was to stay in the Southern provinces for as long as it took to consolidate JR's power on this side of the Alps. When successful, I would return to the Kingdom and be given a nice, pleasant castle with a good amount of land, a few lads on it to work, a view of the sea. With the new year, this agreement was to be set on paper and sealed. My return triumphant and my life back in order.
And then, something happened. A glitch in the system. A cat running twice past the doorframe. A deja-vu. I went for dinner with K, Tot T's former flatmate, and discovered why one should never leave the court. You might be fighting valiantly for your king in faraway lands, this is not going to stop him from betraying you and giving the land he's promised you to anyone who cares to ask. Not only did I get the backstabbing treatment, I also got the cold shoulder from his generals. I now seem to be treated like a pariah, and have no way to defend myself or to fight back, simply because I am not there. And even if I were, would I want to? Is this why I joined the H?
At first there was denial, I just could not believe this was happening. Then there was anger, I just wanted to grab someone's throat, wanted to shout and kick and punch and scream. Now there are resignation and indifference. Not only do I not care about this specific land any longer. Not only do I think the land wasn't THAT good after all. I simply don't want to serve this king. Period. In fact, I don't want to serve ANY king in the near, middle or distant future. Monarchies are, if you ask me, highly over-rated. Everyone should be his or her own king.
So here we are. As my conquering of the Southern provinces comes to a near-closure, the moment to decide what do to next approaches. And while before I felt I had the luxury of certainty, now I feel I am returning to a land where I have to start everything from scratch if I want to be my own boss. Trust me, setting off alone on a long and dangerous journey is pretty exhausting, when not outright insane. I've done it once, I have learned a lot, and I am not willing to do it all over again. But I will do it if I find something really worth fighting for. And I know I am good at it. I have proof now. I have achieved in just over a year what no one else has. I am returning victorious, a hero. I now have utter confidence in my abilities and I won't be fooled any longer.
So here comes the question, and the core of the post. When the days start getting longer again, I will be slowly making my way back to the Island, first for a week every month, then for two, then for three. And as I do that, I will need purpose and clarity, lest I go mad after months of passionate and focused work. So what - let me ask you all - should I do? What should I set my brain and abilities to achieve?
There are a few options in my mind, of course. There's carrying on administering the southern provinces, carving out a distant role for myself, with frequent flights back to probe, check and rally. But I cannot have my body in one place and my mind in another one. This is against nature, it'll make me sick and make those around me sick. I want to be back with both my body and my mind.
I cannot go back to the king's castle either. When I loose faith in someone, I never re-gain it. He lured me into working for him with false promises not once, but twice. I am not going to give him a third chance. That would make me, not him, the fool. No, this is a chapter that is closing for me, and sadly so. I loved this job. But we need to move on.
I could drop the weapons and pick another tool. Should I learn how to carve wood? I've always dreamed of making things, not just talking about making. It would be strange though, my brain at rest while my arms work. I don't know that I can do that. I have always associated work with my brain, my body an appendice used to carry my brain from a place to another one. Things could be different though.
I ask you, my friends. I ask you because you know me better than anyone else. Because I think you have insights I do not have. And because I am drunk and feel like posing the question. So give me your answers and let me hear you imagining my and your own future.
10 comments:
oh no....i think i know what you're talking about despite the shroud of anonimity, and i know how crap you must feel...i'm sorry. just in case, because you will calm down and be less angry, don't even think about continuing with the same people. i know it sucks, but... somehow i'm not worried about your future- you have a purpose, you just need a different way of achieving it and i dont doubt you will find it. we need a good rah, rah, rah, with gin and good old fashioned community rant and i'm sure ideas will pop up. soon!!
Dx
Cant offer any advice but can offer a hug.
Here's an idea - forgo the Continent and the Kingdom altogether and set sail for the New World.
Everybody's doing it. And we could always use another hero on this side of the Pond.
xx s
Decline, I love you. I just can't wait for a good gin and rant session. only a weeks to go before we can indulge together in London
MicNic, I love you too. That is sweet. Maybe next time we can dance together on someone's terrace. I'll let you lead. ;-)
Sxg, tempting, but I fear slightly impractice. It would mean part work in Milan, most friends and potential offspring in London, love, heroics and KFC in NYC. Actually... maybe that's not too bad an idea...!!!!
Oh darling,
That's not good, not good at all... We knew this was coming, didn't we, but that doesn't make it any better.
That damned charismatic leadership, it's always such a tricky one. And you shouldn't be in the position of vying to be the favori du roi - you are far too good for that - and of course le roi is your rightful place, not some flunkey courtier fawning and bowing.
So what to do? Obviously we shall workshop this when you're next in London. I think you need something where you're in control - you couldn't go back to some big organisation that wouldn't give you freedom. It wouldn't work. And the times you've been driven with this work has been when you're waiting on input from those further up the hierarchy (I know, they pretend there isn't one but that is blatantly untrue). So number one, you need autonomy.
Number two, and this is why I don't think being a carpenter would work (although good Christ-like trade, natch), you like people, you're good with people, and talking to people and getting them to work with you is one of your best skills. You wouldn't get that working on your own, would you?
There are others on my list but I think they need to be talked about over a bottle of wine. Rest assured that we know you're great, and that there are so many things you can do, and you've worked so bloody hard for the H that it's an absolute travesty of justice and JR is crazy for passing you up. As my old mate JC once said, forgive them, they know not what they do.
sending you a reassuring hug
Lady V x
I've put off commenting, because the only thought screaming through my brain is "come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London come back to London".
And that probably isn't very helpful, is it?
xx
am reading this from JFK airport quite drunk myself. but what i get from this is that you were screwed over. i want to take names and numbers. i intend to discredit this bastard unleashing the full power of the media. will give him the proverbial kick in the nuts. no one fuks with a tot and gets away with it. fuking c***.
So sorry darling about it all. I cannot imagine how low you must feel after working so hard for the Southern H establishment. It isn't that surprising that you got the treatment as JR is 'orrrrrible!
Definitely, let's talk about this when you are here next week. Flip Charts and GnTs!
Well, I've missed the drunken moment perhaps, or maybe it continues? I also want to take revenge, however, let's think 'What would Abraham Lincoln do' - I imagine he'd keep the eye on the ball and what HE wants to achieve and work slowly through all the politics to achieve it. What you want to do is not just the southern H, or even Kingdom H, but something bigger. Don't burn bridges with those who could still help at H, uphold infinite patience with the smaller agendas of all, and we can brainstorm the next phase of PLAN A, the Albeo plan, the one that we are all MOST excited about. See you soon to discuss...
Really sorry to hear this darling.. but welcome to the real world.. Who hasn't been screwed?
Who wouldn't work in totally autonomy and be his own boss?
The difference is that you can and you should. So leave Milan where the food is crap, the people are ponzy and come back to London.. have a new magic mix ( some kitchen robot thing) so we can all cook together.. you never know a Restaurant might be the solution to all our problems.. or can be used for some spinning to generate a boy! If i'm not mistaken you should be here shortly, we'll give you a communal hug..
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